Saying Goodbye....Letting Go..

I have been paralyzed and blocked from writing since the January 4th death of my ex-husband, former business partner and dear friend. He had been ill for a long time with a serious and progressive heart condition. He was also mentally ill. Mental Illness. We still, as a society, want to whisper the words. We shrink at the mere thought.

Brian was brilliant, exceptionally creative and talented and worked hard. He was a paranoid schizophrenic and an obsessive-compulsive hoarder. The collecting, the hoarding and utter chaos of his environment was reflective of the turmoil of his mind. The thoughts that ran together constantly, intersecting and bouncing off each other offered him no rest, no peace. A cluttered, noisy mind.

He hoarded at two locations over a period of almost 20 years. The emotional trauma for me and our son was enormous as we searched the rubble for treasures, for understanding and for meaning.

He was a talented writer. He wrote volumes in order to express the endless stream of thoughts that sought release. He searched for peace, for truth and for purpose. The real world became too harsh for him. He pushed against it. It was like pushing against an immovable object. The very evil that he raged against and tried to retreat from, instead, engulfed him. By holding onto the injustices that world spewed out, he grew weaker. The less he could control the world and ultimately his own thoughts and actions the angrier and sicker he became.

As we sifted through the massive piles and boxes, we traveled his twisted, painful path. We found little of material value. We felt his torment. We experienced his longings. We heard his prayer. And gradually, gently we began to let him go…with love.

And now we can now move forward, having chosen what we will keep and what we will release. I keep within me the memory of the man with whom I worked shoulder to shoulder to build a successful business from scratch. I hold on to the passion, the integrity of the dream and the gentleness of spirit that I knew was there. I can now hold him in that peaceful place he so longed for.

Grief takes you into the past. It is an opportunity for reflection. It is a time for sorting and choosing. It can also be a time for clearing space for something new and wonderful. Like Spring…a new beginning……..

……Or, the birth of a baby. Our first grandson arrived yesterday, May 15th, and is named Briden in honour of Brian Dennis Cowan.

What do you need to clear away to allow for new growth and possibilities?

What miracles are waiting for you to show up?